"I have not wanted to have children; I have looked after myself and my professional career"

Not having children is a decision that, from a moment on, becomes irreversible. But it is also one that is not taken lightly and that can be based on many reasons.. Those who have already made the decision do not point to a single factor, but they do remember that the reconciliation between family life and work is increasingly complex. In addition, a skyrocketing home and precarious conditions do not help those who are still thinking about whether they want to have children to take the step if they believe that they simply will not be able to afford it.

“I have been selfish, I always say it: I have been selfish for looking after myself and my professional career,” Judith Mateo, a 41-year-old violinist born in Cuenca, but who lives in Madrid, explains by phone.. “It was because of my professional life: I travel a lot, I work on the radio and on TV, I have to study for many hours…”, he adds. “As I was living, I was doing more things professionally and in the end, well, hey, let the other have it, right?”, says the violinist. In addition, in his specific case, the profession adds complications to reconciliation, with unexpected trips and sudden jobs. And it is not just any job, it is his vocation. “I love my profession, if it did not exist, I would not have a life because my life is my profession,” he confesses.. “Having someone who depends 100% on me does not fit into my schedule.”

Elísabet Benavent, a 39-year-old writer, offers a similar vision. “Our parents' generation at 30 had a house and children; our generation is paying abusive rents, they cannot afford to buy a house…. How is a 30-year-old couple going to consider having children in these socioeconomic conditions?. In his opinion, the analyzes should go a little further than one's own paternity or maternity. “People who choose not to be parents or not to be mothers have always known; I think that the fault of the aging of society is not so much of the people who decide not to have children as of the fact that there are many people who would like to and cannot”.

“To have a child you need time and dedication to them,” Mateo qualifies. Around her, she concedes, “everyone has children”: “I think that only when you get together with women artists do you realize that we have all had to choose there”. Although he mentions selfishness, his argument can also be understood from pragmatism. It's a matter of perspective: putting yourself first also means putting no one second. “I have given many violin classes to other people's children and you realize that they don't have time for them or that they enroll them in the conservatory and three or four different things to keep them entertained and to be able to have time for themselves,” he argues.. “Whoever has them has to be aware, it's not like having a dog.”

The writer Elisabet Benavent. John of the Seas

Benavent has also been clear for a long time that he will not want to have children. In his case, he points out, it was not always like this: “At first, when I finished university, I got married very soon and I did have children in mind, but because I never doubted that this was the model I had to follow”. However, when he was still considering it, it was not possible, because at that time he worked in an office and “the economic issue was not very buoyant, and it was evident that I could not afford to have children in that situation”. “Then I began to realize that I had never asked myself if I really wanted to be a mother,” she recalls.. “I had gotten a bit carried away by the inertia of what is supposed to be expected of a woman my age.”

Sometimes it is simply a personal decision without many other conditions; in others, a combination of factors that make it impossible to combine working life with having children. “In my case, I wouldn't know how to tell you the reason, I just know that I don't want to,” illustrates Benavent. He also considers his work “very important” and believes that it could be an impediment, because it involves traveling and he does not have a support network in his city that allows him to balance it.

Anyway, it goes further. “Above all these things is that I don't want to be a mother,” she details. “And I don't want to be a mother because I have actively listened to my needs as an adult and my desires as an adult and being a mother is not among them”. In any case, both interviewees agree that it is something thoughtful and calm, which they know they will not regret.. “When I verbalize that I do not want to be a mother, they treat me with a certain paternalism, they tell me that I am going to change my mind and it will be too late,” laments Benavent. “No, it's a conscious decision,” settles the writer.

“I don't want to have children, but it seems like a miracle to me, a magical thing, and I celebrate my friends' pregnancies with great joy, because I believe that for someone who wants it, it is the most beautiful thing in life,” she contextualizes.. “But I don't think I'm going to regret not having them”. In this sense, they regret that their decision is always judged, regardless of the reason for which it was made.. “I am the typical one who releases a baby from a friend or someone very close to me and I don't know what to do with it,” explains Mateo, but, despite this, his motives are questioned.. “They compare you many times with dogs, like you go crazy for not having children”. “Many times they ask me who is going to take care of me when I am old and it seems to me a terrible argument to encourage people to have children,” adds Benavent.. “That does seem selfish to me: having children to take care of you when you are old seems a bleak prospect to me.”